So this is going to be a rather waffle based post as I need to explain a few things. Its been quite some time since I last posted a blog post, and quite a while longer since I had written anything from the heart, with passion and whole-hearted truth behind it. This had nothing to do with my love for what I do, but rather because I put my walls up internally, now I’m going to try my best to bring them down and explain the battle that has been going on in myself.I love blogging, I love working with publishers, I love working with Juice Plus. None of this has changed, this is what I want to do, and I will continue to work hard to get to where I want to get.
Back in the winter of last year, my entire life got thrown up into the air and tossed around and left to fall to pieces on the floor in front of me. I lost my Granddad, one of the most important people to ever of and ever will touch my life. He was, for the longest time, the only person I felt understood me- at times I feel he may still be the only one.
On top of this, my parents split, I got forced to move home, and I became very ill with Glandular Fever turned ME. Divorce, House Move and Grief, all within a couple of week period. Now this was never going to be easy for anyone, but throw in Schizophrenia, anxiety, and an inability to naturally process emotion, and you end up just coasting through it all; telling the world that you are fine, continuing with life as if nothing has happened- yelling at yourself every time you allow yourself to cry or accept that you may not be dealing with this all quite as well as you think you might.
Well, that’s what I did, up until about a month ago; then I broke. This has happened to me before, I hold in all emotion, don’t process the events around me; until I just cant hold it anymore and I enter a spiral of destruction. That is what Ive been going through.
On a continuous basis, I have been very low, struggling to see any positives in my life and situation. I’ve been wanting to give up, get in my car and drive far away and not come back. Many times I’ve driven to a car park and just sat there contemplating why I don’t just go; one day it got to the point of having to text my boyfriend because I was going to go. Spent over an hour just sitting in my car and walking around a park trying to get the thoughts out my head. Since, Ive still contemplated whether that was the right choice, thought about what life I could be making for myself if I did leave everything I know.
Don’t get me wrong, I have people that I love an awful lot; but those people don’t always understand me. I’m not a well person, between mental health, immunosuppression issues, and now ME, lie isn’t easy. Sometimes people just don’t understand the turmoil that having life long conditions at the age of 21 causes within me; others just don’t understand how these conditions effect me on a daily basis. I have no resentment or this, I get it, its a hard concept to grasp if you are not in that position personally. But this can just make me want to run away, find new people and just not tell them; pretend for a short while that I’m ‘normal’ that I could live a ‘normal’ life for a 21 year old. Get a proper 9-5 job, go to a brick university, get my own place where people don’t feel the need to supervise me constantly. These are things that I may never get to do.
Now sorry to backtrack, but the reason I mentioned my Granddad at the start of this is because when I had these moments in the past, he was the only one to understand. Most people tell me it ‘may’ happen, or point out the positives, Granddad would just listen, hug me and joke, saying I wasn’t missing out; or that he was sorry that I had to deal with this. That is what I need. I need someone to understand what I will always be wanting, despite that I may never have it. The moment all this started last year, I knew that Granddad was going to be the one person I needed to get through of this with as little turmoil as possible; I also knew he’d be the only one who couldn’t be there.
Right, back to the point. I had to come away from blogging, and twitter, and just it all; because I had to try and sort myself out. Needed to try and bring my head back to a reasonable position, and sort my life back out. Sadly, I cant say its worked; I’m still all over the place, still randomly get furious at people for no reason, still burst into tears (as I have writing this). But its got to the point that I need to get on with life, I’m just sinking deeper into what feels like it can only be a pit of depression, and the only way back out that I can think of is to get my life back on track. In the hope that this spiral hasn’t damaged too much in the process.
So the blog may be a touch darker, as I’m going to be honest, I’m going to write about how I feel; and sadly that cant always be positive and bright- because most days are hard, and are an uphill struggle. But there will be a bit of everything again, cant promise there will be any time of schedule again, but I’m going to get there. Just please be patient with me.
Well there it is, the bare honest truth of what I’ve been going through and why I vanished. I’m sorry, but it was what I needed.