Time for a Rant.. Schizo in Hospital

I ended up in hospital a few weeks back with expected appendicitis, spending several days in a surgical ward.  It was all fun and games trying to organise my admission, with them thinking I could be just dumped on a ward, with a bundle of people I don’t know- dealing with the random noises, beeping and coming and going of strangers. If only it was that easy… 

Although I am Schizophrenic, I am a big supporter of people with the condition being treated normally. However there are situations where this can’t be done and things have to be adapted.

Was quite funny when the junior Dr told me and my parents that I was going to be staying in hospital as he had no understanding of my illness what so ever, constantly repeating that I would still be allowed to take my meds so there would be nothing to worry about. My condition is controlled by many methods, not just meds- I have a close support network,  my parents and I talking through the plans for the day regularly so that I can prepare myself for what will happen, and the avoidance of loud or crowded places. So a hospital doesn’t really fit into this; not knowing when people will be coming to see you/do tests, plus the possibility of being moved from ward to ward.

We ended up having an in-depth chat with one of the nurses in the A&E department before I got moved to the ward expressing just why I was so nervous, as well as my parents apprehensions on the situation. She was AMAZING! I honestly felt reassured after talking to her and felt she had some sort of understanding as to how I might react. Thanks to this lovely lady, I got my own side room on the ward, so that I didn’t have to deal with the unpredictability of the other patients. From then on, I was lucky enough for it to go rather smoothly; with a lovely night nurse, who would sit in the room till I fell asleep so that I felt calmer.

However oddly enough it seems to be after I’ve come out of hospital that its had a negative effect. After conversations with my Dad and the psychiatrist I understand that I probably didn’t help myself with going to volunteer on the Tuesday, and hitting study hard again on the Monday. To be fair the only thing I introduced back in slowly was blogging. I hate feeling like I’m going backwards, so no matter what, I push myself forward as much as I can.

Over the week and a half after being discharged, I felt my emotions getting more and more negative, to the point that rather than feeling annoyed, agitated or even upset, I was jumping to anger; wanting to do nothing but scream and shout.

My sleep wasn’t much better. Though I was sleeping quite well and for a reasonable length of time, I was waking up feeling as if I hadn’t slept at all; causing me to take naps, that then left me feeling rather naff.

The reason for this rant, is because of my frustration that an unavoidable set back can cause a halt and even a down turn for the improvement of my mental health. I understand now that due to the stress I had while I was in hospital, I needed to slow down and give my body some time to relax again. Though this is not as easy as it would seem for someone who is so scared of going backwards. Getting to a point, where my physical health is the bigger annoyance, as it makes moving forward mentally harder; means I have to slow down a bit, and doesn’t allow me to go straight back to where I was before a set back. Instead I have to let it build slowly again.

This is one of the hardest things for me to accept, that I can’t jump straight to the stage I want to be at. More and more, as I get to experience ‘normality’ I want to leap to it; getting a job, seeing friends daily, even moving out. But though here and now I feel I could do it, if I’m perfectly honest, I do realise that I would be making my 10x worse by doing so. I think this is the toughest part of my condition for me to handle!

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