Welcome to something completely different for this blog, or at least I say completely different as this is unlike anything I have ever gone through before. This is something me and my partner have decided we both want so badly, and we are trying to make it happen despite knowing the challenges we are going to come across. And that is why we are now trying for a child of our own.

Although we made this decision a while back, we haven’t been really doing anything about it as my contraception took 10 months to get out of my system enough for my cycles to restart. But this finally happened in December.

What has brought me to write this post is that I’ve actually been going through a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions since we’ve been trying to conceive. BY no means has my mind changed as to what I want, but the initial disappointment of an unsuccessful first month, along with the fear of change just plays on my mind sometimes.

100%, I am certain that I want a baby, as I know me and partner will be great parents together, and we are both absolutely ready for this.

But at night, I have a habit of over thinking. Now, I never sleep well- sleeping is just not my thing! So it is not unheard of for me to over think during that time, so its really not out of the ordinary, however its what I’ve been overthinking about lately that has changed.

I’ve had some very rough relationships in the past, and this is my first long term adult relationship. We have our home, our pets, and his adorable little girl. So I know we can take another child all of our own, we would actually love it more than anything in the world.

One of my biggest fears is to lose what we have, and at night I find myself over thinking that what if adding something new or someone new, ruins what we already have. I have no reason to really think this, we are solid as anything, and a child is something we both really want. But when you are tired and cant sleep, all sorts of things cross you mind.

But that is just the fear of change, and I know that.

The other major thing is whether I will be able to be a mother. With this I mean both whether or not I am able to concieve and carry, as well as how will I be if we do have a little one.

I have always been told that medically it is not known whether or not I can carry a child. With my complex medical history, it is a serious possibility that I can not, but that still not something that I can even begin to imagine. We are under specialists currently so that I am being monitored, and I will under go further investigations if we continue to not be able to.

But a big fear of mine is what if I am a terrible mother. Now I know that most people probably go through this, but I cant say I ever really thought it until now! I cant help but think what if I cant deal with a baby and my already terrible ability to sleep. I’m sure I will write a whole post about my parenting fears when and if we ever get to preparing for a baby.

So now just briefly I want to mention the emotions of our first month of trying. My cycle came and went, and god did we baby dance to try. I tracked my ovulation so I know that that only slightly earlier than my Flo app suggested. Then at 8dpo (days past ovulation), I had some very light spotting, which we over excitedly thought was implantation bleeding. So when 12dpo came along we started testing, but sadly my cycle then reappeared.

Since then my cycle has been incredibly unreliable and has been every two weeks since then- so not sure whats happening there.

I would love to hear from you if you are also trying to conceive as I know how isolating this experience can feel. WE aren’t really telling people so this is my outlet.

What are your experiences? Did you struggle to conceive, or is it something that you are still going through?